That woman in the back of the room, not making eye contact. That man in the corner with his head down. The quiet one at every meeting. That’s me…I admit it…I’m shy! I’ve always struggled with this, and I don’t expect it to change. But, having a better idea of what shyness really is and what it looks like to others is helping me to succeed, in spite of my shy tendencies.
What is shyness, really? It’s a lack of confidence, it’s being self-conscious, it’s not wanting to be the center of attention, it’s caring. What. Others. Think. Of course we care what others think…that’s human nature! We want acceptance. Acknowledgement. Practicing moments of boldness helps to break the chains holding you down. Then comes the realization that people may not always like you or approve of you, but you’ll be fine regardless!
So, what do people really think about shy people? I didn’t realize at first what my being quiet and isolated and private looked like to others until an online friend told me. We had a conversation one night and as we were finishing up, she said “I’m really glad we talked…I was really scared to ask you a questions, but you are super nice!” WOW! That hurt, and it was the eye-opener I needed! It really made me think about what message I’ve been sending by trying to protect myself with shyness. I didn’t know that behind my back, I was being called stuckup and snooty. Everyone thought that I felt I was “too good” for them.
How does a shy person overcome this? Fixing this misconception with my existing social network hasn’t come easily…some just need to have a conversation with me. But what about going forward in new and scary situations? I now work very hard to appear welcoming and open with my facial expressions and body language, so that others will approach me if I can’t muster up the courage to speak first. I try to listen to others and learn about them, even if that’s just so I don’t have to talk about myself. And I do something I really dread at times…I share about myself when asked. I’m a normal, boring mom, but guess what? People actually do want to hear about my life. They often tell me how relatable I am, how some part of my story is just like theirs and it makes them feel better knowing someone who understands them better. In the end, my best tip for overcoming shyness is to be a good friend. Simple.
Whether you have been the shy one in the back of the room, or you come across someone that seems stuck up or standoffish…practicing boldness, presenting yourself as approachable, and simply being a good friend…these are great tactics to overcome the situation. And for me, if I sink into my chair, or talk too fast, or divert my eyes…I’m not trying to be rude, it’s just me not getting it right that day!
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As you became a parent, did any of your friends or family warn you that your children would act ten times worse than you did as a child? Or have you heard, “he acts just like his dad”? How about “my other children never did that?” I say that one on occasion. Or, the really bad one, about someone else’s child: “MY child would never behave that way.” But, why? Haven’t we learned that each child is different? They each have their own personality, dreams, and quirks. Each of my three boys certainly have shown me their strengths and differences.
T is my oldest son, and was an only child for 12 years. He actually walked out of the room and cried when we told him that we were expecting his brother. T has my demeanor and we butt heads quite a bit, unfortunately. A strong will is great, but it does make things difficult at times. Being that he was not around young children at home for most of his youth, T often speaks and acts more grown up than he is. Despite the stubbornness that goes along with it, this grown up mentality is a blessing because T has a very unique trait, his biggest obstacle in life, which he must deal with like an adult. He’s likely going to be blind in early adulthood. He inherited a degenerative retinal disease from his father’s side, and he is night-blind, with peripheral vision loss. He’s doing everything he can to preserve his current vision and slow the progression of the disease, and he’s counting down to his 18th birthday for multiple reasons, one of which is qualifying for clinical trials that might one day find a way to reverse the disease. Despite his prognosis, T is a fighter and a doer. He’s my artist, from music to film and photography, he has such appreciation for the arts. Recently, T has been taking photos for local musician friends, and he’s writing and producing a short film. T pushes himself in school and has taken college level classes throughout high school. After graduation, he hopes to move to Los Angeles for film school, and I think he’s just stubborn enough to make big things happen in his life.
G is my 5 year old, and begins Kindergarten this year. Since there was 12 years in between the two, it’s often like having a 2nd family. I had forgotten so much about babies, and G was definitely spoiled, held a lot, as if he were the first baby or an only child. G, like T, speaks like an adult much of the time. His vocabulary is amazing, and G’s “superpower” is that he’s probably a genius. I’m completely serious about this, as his doctor suggested we have his IQ tested. This child remembers everything, from birthdays to every detail of every day. Not just remembering my birthday or his brothers’ birthdays, but G can tell you his classmates’ birthdays and when daddy is off work and how many days until we leave for vacation, and what color shirt you wore 12 days ago. It’s remarkable. His great memory also means he remembers what promises we’ve made, and he holds us to them! Since he knows it all, G likes to boss people around. It’s not uncommon to hear “I’m going to count to 3 and then you had better…” coming from his mouth (which just gets him sent to his room, usually so I can turn the corner and laugh about it). G loves to learn something everywhere we go, and we encourage it.
Oh, sweet little J, Mr. Personality, full of mischief, and only 3 years old. J is the reason my house will never be boring, and why the deadbolt on the door has been replaced with a key lock that he can’t reach. J is the only one who makes me think to myself “The other boys never did this.” He seems so independent most of the time, causes chaos around the house, and has so much energy. We have a little game we play with him that he absolutely adores, and basically we say “This way!” and he runs down the hall to us, and then we say “That way!” and he runs back the other direction. Literally, he can do this for over an hour. Then there are video games…most children sit on the couch and play, but J acts out the video game…I’ve watched him jump and kick and punch and run for so long that I needed a nap. He is always busy and on the go, a little tornado at times, but J is the most loving and cuddly boy you will meet. First thing in the morning, J climbs up into my bed to cuddle and give me kisses, and he will sit in my lap a few times a day to hug and snuggle. A little mommy secret here: I actually keep it a little cool in the house in the winter so that he wants to snuggle more often. With a giant smile and a confident voice, he tells us every day, “I love you guys so much! You are my best buddies!”
Part of growing up is learning to handle daily life, and everyone has their own ways. Children aren’t perfect, and they certainly aren’t predictable or cookie cutters. I’ve learned to appreciate the different personalities in my house, and at the end of each day, if I’ve done nothing else in the world, I can be proud of all of my sons. If they were my only accomplishment, that would be enough, even if they are stubborn, bossy, and wild.
Wellness. Confidence. Radiance. 